Pin It I promise this is actually quilt related. Just hang in there.
Have you ever taken the time to sit down and actually think about your thoughts? Seems stupid to say but this is something that I don't take enough time to do. Here lately, I'm so busy I have time for nothing, much less to think about my thoughts. However, I've done it. And what I've decided is that right now, there's just "too much". Too much of what? Everything.
I have so much going on and so much to do and I don't want to do any of it. Some of you are my "real life" friends and have some idea of how much I have to do. But the truth is that nobody really knows. Except for me. I'm all alone in all of my have-to-do-ness. I'm not saying that my have-to-do-ness is any worse or more important than anyone else's. I'm just saying that for me, it has become too much.
I have no attention span. My mind races and my thoughts fly from one thing to another. I can't remember anything (which is really hard for me because I really have a ridiculously accurate memory). I'd like to think that all of my woes can be blamed on being painfully busy. I'd like to think that when things calm down, I will sleep like a normal person, not cry myself to sleep out of desperation anymore, or maybe even just feel normal. But I'm not entirely sure that my being busy is the problem. It's just magnifying the problem.
Taking an inventory of what I've been feeling and thinking over the last few weeks of "busy", I'm realizing that I'm all over the place emotionally. I'm annoyed, I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm mad, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm frustrated... you get the idea.
I just want it to stop. I want to sit and do nothing and think about nothing and be a blob of nothingness. But that can't happen.
However. (Here's where I make my quilty point) All of this cataloging of my feelings and thoughts has led me to this awesome quilt design idea.
For the past few months I've been working on designing a wholecloth/painted/appliqued/thread-painted/I-haven't-decided-yet quilt based off of this:
That would be the tattoo (that I designed) down my left rib cage. I'm sorry if you have a problem with seeing me in a bra and pajama pants, but I figured that if I'm okay with it, you should be too. I got that tattoo during a time in my life when I felt pretty similar to how I feel now. The characters stand for "Strength" and "Courage" and the koi and lotus have their own meanings that I will not get into just yet.
This is NOT the project that I am going to take on. It will have to wait. No. The project that is currently brewing in my head is one of those projects that I have to do. Do you have those projects?
I will take all of my feelings and thoughts and literally stitch them into a quilt. This is not a project that I will be sharing my progress (at least I don't plan to). It's a project for me. It's something I want to do to wipe the slate clean. It might be a show quilt, it might hang in the studio, it might be given away. I don't know. I don't care. I just have to make it.
But won't this add to my have-to-do-ness? Yes it will. In a way. The difference between this and the rest of my have-to-do-ness is that I not only have to do this, but I really want to.
Thank you if you made it all the way through all of this babble. Didn't I mention I can't organize my thoughts anymore? =]