Saturday, September 24, 2011

Too much.

Pin It I promise this is actually quilt related.  Just hang in there.

Have you ever taken the time to sit down and actually think about your thoughts?  Seems stupid to say but this is something that I don't take enough time to do.  Here lately, I'm so busy I have time for nothing, much less to think about my thoughts.  However, I've done it.  And what I've decided is that right now, there's just "too much".  Too much of what?  Everything.

I have so much going on and so much to do and I don't want to do any of it.  Some of you are my "real life" friends and have some idea of how much I have to do.  But the truth is that nobody really knows.  Except for me.  I'm all alone in all of my have-to-do-ness.  I'm not saying that my have-to-do-ness is any worse or more important than anyone else's.  I'm just saying that for me, it has become too much.

I have no attention span.  My mind races and my thoughts fly from one thing to another.  I can't remember anything (which is really hard for me because I really have a ridiculously accurate memory).  I'd like to think that all of my woes can be blamed on being painfully busy.  I'd like to think that when things calm down, I will sleep like a normal person, not cry myself to sleep out of desperation anymore, or maybe even just feel normal.  But I'm not entirely sure that my being busy is the problem.  It's just magnifying the problem.

Taking an inventory of what I've been feeling and thinking over the last few weeks of "busy", I'm realizing that I'm all over the place emotionally.  I'm annoyed, I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm mad, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm frustrated... you get the idea.

I just want it to stop.  I want to sit and do nothing and think about nothing and be a blob of nothingness.  But that can't happen.

However.  (Here's where I make my quilty point)  All of this cataloging of my feelings and thoughts has led me to this awesome quilt design idea. 

For the past few months I've been working on designing a wholecloth/painted/appliqued/thread-painted/I-haven't-decided-yet quilt based off of this:

That would be the tattoo (that I designed) down my left rib cage.  I'm sorry if you have a problem with seeing me in a bra and pajama pants, but I figured that if I'm okay with it, you should be too.  I got that tattoo during a time in my life when I felt pretty similar to how I feel now.  The characters stand for "Strength" and "Courage" and the koi and lotus have their own meanings that I will not get into just yet.

This is NOT the project that I am going to take on.  It will have to wait.  No.  The project that is currently brewing in my head is one of those projects that I have to do.  Do you have those projects?

I will take all of my feelings and thoughts and literally stitch them into a quilt.  This is not a project that I will be sharing my progress (at least I don't plan to).  It's a project for me.  It's something I want to do to wipe the slate clean.  It might be a show quilt, it might hang in the studio, it might be given away.  I don't know.  I don't care.  I just have to make it.

But won't this add to my have-to-do-ness?  Yes it will.  In a way.  The difference between this and the rest of my have-to-do-ness is that I not only have to do this, but I really want to.

Thank you if you made it all the way through all of this babble.  Didn't I mention I can't organize my thoughts anymore?  =]


  1. Good luck with everything. :) I know what it's like to be emotionally scattered. The project you speak of should be a big help.

    On a different note, I love the tattoo. I am currently planning a tattoo that will cover a significant portion of my back and sides. It will be a large cherry blossom tree. Now, if only I could draw...


  2. I think that the "have-to-do-ness" is actually an epidemic that is spreading like wild-fire! I can relate in sooooo many ways to this post - feeling almost as if time has suddenly been forced into high gear, not as many hours in the day, the week, etc. which in turn makes me think more thoughts causing more confusion and chaos. Along with my ADHD currently at its worst. Can't wait to one day see your quilt -- in all of its awesomeness! Oh and BTW love the tatt and if I had your shape I'd prance around in bra and pjs all day long!

  3. Breathe...sleep...focus. You will get thru this, I promise! I am loving where you are right now and I wish you could see things thru my eyes : ) You would be so impressed!

  4. I hate it when I get so overwhelmed that I know it is a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. I always think I'm awesome at keeping it all together. Then, after the fact, I look back and think "holy sh@!, what I mess I was". Thank you for your honesty. It helps the rest of us, and I can only imagine that it must help you. Love the tattoo.

  5. Been there, done that, many times. This too shall pass. Sometimes you need to do something for yourself in order to get others things done.

  6. Hang in there,things always look worst before they get better. Creativity sometimes comes at a high price, but it is worth it in the end. I sometimes think it is more painful NOT doing doing all the things you have to do then just getting them done.

  7. guess aren't have I been there too...I've been in stop the world, I wanna get off mode for a while now...I guess it's the price we pay for being creative,and trying to please everyone...but the thing that is most important have to please yourself, and nuture your, working on a project for you amidst everything else that you have to do, is what will get you thru it..

  8. may you be blessed with peace, strength and the courage you need,,,and you will be ~xo~